Thank you for writing this Theodora ! Its very honest and your writing invited me to some vulnerable parts of your life in a very intimate way. Isnt that what writing is all about? Bravo... I also lost my mother from Cancer.. although long ago, it changed my life. We all act different when we grief, when we try to deal with our biggest losses in life...Writing is ofcourse one way, and yes indeed , going into nature, feeling one and whole. I love to share my story about losing close family members. Death sometimes also can become a source of inspiration to fill our times with things that are most close to our hearts ( despite the making money culture we're trapped in, but that's gonna change soon): https://medium.com/age-of-awareness/how-to-deal-with-the-loss-of-the-people-you-love-6b9b85f93dc9